Last week I was delivering a training course where the topic of feelings came up.
One of the participants was quite annoyed at this, and told me:
“You can’t include feelings in any sort of performance conversation, you need to leave all that out.”
I was curious, so I pressed him further on his point, wondering why he thought this way.
Then he told me:
“Feelings aren’t facts. There – I’ll leave it at that.”
He said it like it was a mic drop moment, like he’d just won the debate with that simple phrase (which sounded like something he’d read on Instagram).
I thought this was an excellent topic for an article, to reinforce the opposite point:
That thoughtful leaders should definitely be paying close attention to their emotions, and using them as a key part of their leadership.
Feelings Are Subjective, But That Doesn’t Mean They Aren’t Important
Everything we experience is subjective.
Why?
Because our perception of everything we observe is influenced by all of the things that make us unique human beings.
Our childhood experiences, upbringing, personal values, personality, cultural background… and there are many more.
I talk more about this in my post about the Iceberg Model of Human Behaviour here.
But just because feelings are subjective, doesn’t mean they don’t matter.
Here’s why I believe they are so important.
Our feelings are a signal informing our actions
If I feel scared, this is a valuable signal.
It tells me that I should probably move to a safer place, where I don’t feel threatened.
If I feel worried, this can be a valuable sign that maybe I’m unprepared for what’s to come.
And maybe, I should make the effort to prepare better.
Our feelings tell us information about our relationships
If your team member speaks rudely to you, it’s likely you’ll feel some frustration, or perhaps anger.
This tells you that something is out of balance. That something needs to be made right.
It’s a signal to have a discussion, to reset the balance.
If you feel calm when you’re interacting with your colleague, this might signal that you trust them.
If you get the opposite feeling when your boss is around, maybe it’s a sign that the trust is absent.
Now to be clear, just because you feel anxious around your boss, does not necessarily make your boss a tyrant or a horrible person.
But it does tell you that your spider-senses (not a medical term) are picking up something that indicates you need to watch out.
And this might be because you had a bad boss in your last job (and you’re reliving that experience now), or that your current boss really is doing things that make you feel vulnerable.
Your feelings are a starting point, but not the end
Your feelings are a starting point to get curious and reflect.
Why do I feel that way?
What do I need to do to resolve this emotion?
Doing this internal reflection can help you to process how you feel, and to sense-check whether this is more about you… or the other person or the situation.
You can use your feelings to communicate with others
One of the popular frameworks that is recommended in assertiveness training is the “I” statement.
It goes something like this:
When <the other person does something>,
I feel <emotion>
Because <reason for the feeling>.
I’d like to discuss this and <insert phrase to find a solution to the problem>.
For example:
When you come in late to work,
I feel frustrated,
Because it puts pressure on the team and myself when you’re not there to help.
I’d like to find out more about this and work out how to stop it happening again.
Why the emotion matters here
What does adding the emotion do to this statement?
It does a couple of things.
Firstly, it communicates the impact that the other person is having on you.
Of course, they might not care about that impact – but you are putting it on the table.
This also shows that you are owning your feelings.
You are not saying “You make me feel frustrated”, you are saying “I feel frustrated”.
It’s a big difference. One lays blame, the other takes accountability.
—
That’s why emotions and feelings matter.
When you only focus on facts and logic, you’re missing half of the puzzle.
And as a thoughtful leader, being in tune with your emotions is likely to be a strength of yours.
So keep it up.
Do you agree or disagree? Let me and all the other thoughtful leaders know in the comments below?
Well written and so relatable . Maybe a follow up on how a conversation might go would add value. While a feeling signals the need for reflection or possibly a conversation, it usually doesn’t work out necessarily. It’s subject to how the person across views the situation.
Thanks for the comment Neena.
And you’re right, pretty much everything is subjective when it comes to our experience of the world so conversations like this can be difficult.
Ben
Hi Ben,
Thanks for your view on this topic. I particularly appreciate how you framed the need to acknowledge and own your emotions. While this is good, I can see how the receiver might interpret the implied statement (you are the trigger for my emotion) negatively. With that said, I agree that as leaders, we cannot entirely discard our emotions and adhere to facts only when assessing work situations. Every policy, process etc, is centred around driving value for the organization, which is comprised of people. We simply can’t ignore emotions when working with relational beings. We however should not be overly influenced by our emotions.
Thanks Ikoima. It’s always going to be a challenging conversation because there is no perfect way to speak without someone potentially being offended or defensive.
And I agree, we need to maintain a healthy balance regarding how much we use and are influenced by our emotions.
Cheers,
Ben