If you have a tendency to take ownership of other people’s problems, you’re not alone.
Thoughtful people tend to think a lot (obviously).
They are often introspective and consider how their leadership impacts the people around them.
This is a good thing – until we go to far with it.
And when we do, we sometimes find ourselves taking ownership of other people’s problems, instead of just our part.
In this post, I’ll look at some situations when this is likely to occur, and how you can prevent it from happening.
Why Do Thoughtful Leaders Own Other People’s Problems?
This is a tricky question, because people are complex!
In my opinion, thoughtfulness has a big part to play.
People who are thoughtful often reflect on situations and consider how they responded, and how they could have done better. Reflection is a great thing to do, but there are some caveats to reflection.
Firstly, I believe that reflection is best when it results in some purposeful action, or an increase in awareness.
For example, let’s say that you had a bad interaction with a team member the other day. If you reflect on the situation and realise you could have approached it better, then this is positive because you can try the new approach next time.
You might also reflect on the situation and realise that actually, you did a pretty good job considering the circumstances. In this case, you feel reassured that you are on the right track, and you have an awareness that you actually did pretty well.
A great tool to use for reflection is my Useful Thinking Journal. Try it out for yourself by clicking here: The Useful Thinking Journal.
Reflection Can Turn Negative If We Aren’t Careful
If we aren’t careful, however, reflection and introspective thinking can become a negative experience.
Instead of acknowledging what we did well, we may find ourselves owning the situation.
I could have done that instead – why didn’t I do that? I’m so stupid!
… and so on.
And this is where we start to own other people’s problems. It’s when we consider that if we had just done something differently, things would have worked out OK.
But the reality is often different. You can’t control every situation.
Reflection can be a negative experience when we continually find ways to point any issues back to ourselves.
Why do we do this?
Well, it could be lack of confidence or self-esteem, or perhaps negative messages that have plagued us since childhood.
Whatever the case, we’ve got to be careful to set boundaries around what we will own, and what we won’t.
Learn More: Thoughtful Leader Podcast #259: Why leaders should have a reflective practice.
Why Is This Such a Problem for Leaders?
Before we continue, it’s worth noting the problems that owning other people’s problems can cause for leaders.
Firstly, it results in additional mental stress. We all have enough problems, so piling on other people’s isn’t going to help.
Second, it can cause feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. Imagine trying to fix problems that aren’t really yours to fix, or that you don’t have much control over?
It’s likely that doing this will result in feeling quite useless and disempowered.
Lastly, taking on other people’s problems reduces the other person’s accountability. If you are there to pick up the pieces or solve everything, there is no need for them to even try.
Over time, this can result in team members simply waiting for you to try to fix problems, while they sit back and watch.
For these team members it might feel like a positive thing, when you’re running around trying to help them. They don’t need to do anything.
But actually, this is disempowering for them, too. They won’t grow or improve if they fail to take accountability for their own part in workplace problems.
Learn More: Team Members Won’t Take Accountability? Consider This.
Common Situations Where Leaders Own Other People’s Problems
Now, let’s look at a few situations where I find thoughtful leaders tend to take ownership of other people’s issues.
These are often situations where we try to fix or change things that aren’t appropriate, or where we try to control more than just our part of the situation.
1. Poor performance
Sometimes leaders run into trouble when they take accountability for the performance of others.
Here’s what it looks like.
The leader provides support to help the team member improve, through methods like training or coaching.
They spend considerable time hand-holding and fixing any issues with the work, because they don’t want problems to come back and bite them.
Yes, leaders are accountable for their teams, but they aren’t accountable for individual performance.
In the same way that a CEO will expect certain outcomes from her CFO, your team members must take ownership of their own work, too.
If you believe otherwise, then you’ll constantly be the one who has to clean up everything in your team.
Learn More: Seeing Performance Issues In Your Team? Try These Things.
2. Workload
An analogy that is often used in workplaces is that of monkeys representing work.
If you’ve got lots of monkeys on your back, then you have a lot of work to do.
Then, other people sometimes try to give you their monkeys. People who are especially helpful are usually the prime targets for offloading monkeys.
Sometimes people also take extra monkeys on because nobody else will. They know something bad will happen if nobody does the work, so they accept it instead.
If you’re taking on more monkeys than you can handle, there is a good chance you are owning other people’s problems.
Learn More: Too Busy at Work? Try These 5 Things.
3. Difficult conversations
Having a conversation about performance or behaviour is difficult. It’s even harder if you start to own the entire interaction.
One thing I’ve noticed is that some thoughtful leaders start to become fearful of the other person’s reaction to the conversation.
For example, they may avoid a discussion because they are worried about how it will be perceived or that it may upset somebody.
This is natural and normal, but it can really hold us back because we can’t control what the other person does.
Here are the parts of a difficult conversation that are ours to own:
- The manner in which we approach the conversation
- The words that we say, including any feedback provided; and
- Acknowledging the ways that we may have contributed to the situation./li>
Other than that, we can do very little to control the response of the other person, or whether they change their behaviour afterwards.
Learn More: Avoiding a Difficult Conversation? Ask Yourself These 3 Questions.
4. Motivating others
I think there is a misconception about motivation – that it’s up to the leader to motivate the team.
While of course the leader has a part to play in shaping the team environment, there are two sides to motivation.
When leaders start owning other people’s motivation, they tend to start jumping at solutions. They keep trying different approaches and become frustrated if the person’s commitment fails to improve.
I’ve written a bunch of articles about motivation (such as Make the Most of Motivation Models in Your Team and Motivate Your People Using These 3 Levers) so I won’t go into specific details of that here.
The leader plays their part by trying to find out what makes people tick, and then attempting to provide some of that in the workplace.
But then, it’s up to the team member to try things, become aware of their own motivation levels, to take care of themselves outside of work, and to make adjustments if they aren’t getting what they need.
What Do You Do to Stop Owning Other People’s Problems?
If you’re in the situation where you tend to own more than your fair share of a situation or problem, it’s time to make a change.
Continuing with things the way they are is a recipe for more of the same, including potential burnout or feelings of helplessness.
1. Stop and Consider Your Boundaries
Clarifying your boundaries is an important step in preventing you from taking on too much of what other people should be owning.
The boundaries I’m referring to here relate to where your responsibility ends, and the other person’s starts.
Here are some examples:
- In a difficult conversation, you own the manner that you approach it, and the words that you say. The other person owns their reaction and response.
- When it comes to poor performance, you own the feedback, support and coaching that you provide. The other person owns the improvement in their performance over time.
- With motivation, you own understanding what drives your people and creating conditions to help that happen. They own bringing the energy and commitment, and telling you what’s working for them and what’s not.
- When it comes to workload, you own the tasks within your role and responsibility. Other people own theirs.
It’s worth stopping to map out where your accountability starts and ends, depending on the situation.
Learn More: Thoughtful Leader Podcast #104: Why Leaders Must Set Boundaries at Work.
2. Decide What You Need Other People to Do
Following on from your boundaries, you need to get clear about what you need other people to own.
Then the next step?
Provide that feedback.
There is no use wishing for people to change or to take accountability.
It’s possible they don’t even know that there is an issue, so the first step is to communicate the parts of the situation that you will own, and the parts that you won’t.
3. Find the Consequences
One last element that is worth mentioning here is that of consequences.
Too often when thoughtful leaders take on other people’s problems, it’s because they’re seeing the other person failing to take ownership.
So what do they do? They step in, to fill the gap.
And usually I find that the lack of accountability is linked to a lack of consequences.
If your team member performs badly, what happens?
Do they get a warning? Are they going to get fired? Or does nothing really happen other than some talking?
In other words, why would the person bother to take ownership of their part?
Consider whether there really are any consequences in your situation. If the answer is no, then you need to find some.
Learn More: Thoughtful Leader Podcast #227: Want Your People to Change? Ask This Leadership Question!
Taking On Other People’s Problems Will Make You Less Effective
You’ll have less headspace to focus on your own priorities.
You’ll feel ineffective because you’ll be unable to make the change and impact that you’d like to.
Be intentional about where your responsibility begins and ends, and you’ll stop enabling others in avoiding accountability.
What other steps do you advise for people who tend to take on other people’s problems? Let me and all the other thoughtful leaders know in the comments below!
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