Lately, I’ve been spending some time on Reddit, reading about real leadership challenges people are facing.
Many stories read like the wild west – leaders thrown into roles with zero formal training, left to sink or swim.
Often, these leaders ask the same question:
“How do I deal with a difficult team member who’s not performing, causing conflict, or taking too many sick days?”
And just as often, they’re searching for a silver bullet… a perfect fix.
In reality, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer to people problems.
But if I had to offer a silver bullet, it would be this: Respect.
In this post, I’ll share why leading with respect is one of the most effective ways to navigate difficult team situations—and how to do it in a practical, thoughtful way.
Why Respect Matters When You’re Leading Difficult Team Members
Obviously there are potentially hundreds of factors that impact every leadership situation.
However, I often like to think in terms of principles rather than specifics, because otherwise we can get stuck in a pattern of over-analysis which doesn’t help us.
And over and over again, when I hear about different “people problems”, respect is the most useful principle that comes to mind. One definition is:
“The acknowledgement and appreciation of another person’s worth or value as a human being.”
So how does this principle work in practice?
Well, if we look at how we might show somebody respect, we:
- Follow a fair process
- Listen to their side of the story; and
- Involve them in the decision-making about what to do next.
Let’s step through these aspects.
Learn More: 6 Steps to Deal With Behaviour Issues In Your Team.
1. Following a fair process
Fairness is an important part of dealing with any people problem, even with difficult team members.
When people feel as if a situation is unfair, they’re likely to feel demotivated and resentful.
Being fair means you’re following the same approach you would use with anyone else.
You’re not playing favourites, or treating them poorly because of how they’ve behaved or performed.
You’re also giving them access to feedback and information that helps them improve, as well as support, such as the resources often provided by Employee Assistance Programs or EAPs (here is an example of one in Australia).
And if the situation gets serious, you’re following the guidelines set by your HR people, who hopefully have their eye on the legal side of the scenario.
2. Listening to their side of the story
One of the most important parts of dealing with any people problem is listening to what the other person has to say, and withholding judgement.
When there are issues, some managers resort to the “my way or the highway” directive approach, without considering what might be going on for the other person.
Listening and being curious about what’s happening for the other person can build respect and credibility.
After all, as the boss, you don’t need to listen. You could just give orders.
That’s why listening and paying attention is so much more powerful – because it shows you’re not just going to rely on your formal authority to fix things.
Respect means acknowledging that the other person has their own challenges and making an effort to recognise them.
3. Involving difficult team members in decision-making
When you’re trying to resolve some sort of behaviour or performance issue, usually there is some sort of plan that comes out the other side.
These might include actions that you and the other person will take to try to fix the problem.
What often does not work is coming up with the actions all by yourself, as the leader.
And when I say it doesn’t work… I mean for the long run.
In the short-term your solutions might be fine, but you’re likely to get better buy-in and motivation from people who have a say in how they’re treated.
Otherwise, this is simply another form of telling them what to do.
Instead, we should aim to involve them in developing the plan to move forward. And the best way to do this is simply to get their opinion of what they could do to improve the situation.
You can, of course, input your own ideas here, but it’s important to get their thoughts on the table first.
This shows you’re willing to take input, and it’s a two-way discussion.
Learn More: Taking a Coaching Approach: Less Telling, More Asking.
Remember: Respect Must Go Both Ways
You might have read everything up to this point and been thinking
“Hold on… why do I need to make it all about them? What about what I need to achieve?”
And you’re absolutely right. Respect is no good if it’s one-sided.
Respect must go both ways.
And usually, when I find that people problems aren’t being resolved (without firing somebody, which is unpleasant for everyone), it’s because respect is not being offered in both directions.
If you, the leader, are offering respect, then it must be returned by the other person.
This usually happens by:
- Acknowledging and taking ownership of their part of the problem
- Respecting that the leader has performance targets and behaviour standards that must be adhered to; and
- That getting paid to do a job means that a certain level of performance and accountability is required.
As a leader, you need to be respected, otherwise you will be bending over backwards to resolve issues, when the other person is not coming to the party.
This won’t work.
When you don’t have the respect of the employee, you are more likely going to have to head down the road of formal performance management.
And remember that if you’re putting up with a difficult team member not respecting you, then you aren’t respecting yourself.
Bonus Principle: Focus on What You Can Control
As a last point to this article, it’s worth remembering that you need to be focusing on what you can control when you’re dealing with difficult team members.
Many leaders get stuck on worrying about all the different possibilities and the “what-ifs”.
Well, you can’t control the what-ifs and the possible things the other person might do.
You can only really control:
- What you do
- What you say and how you say it; and
- How you behave in emotionally-charged situations (do you keep your cool, or lose your mind?)
The rest is up to the other person.
They might get angry if you try to hold them accountable. That’s true.
If you are fair, reasonable, listen and involve them in decisions (remember the respect principle above?), then you’ve done all you can.
The rest is up to them.
What are the main things you keep in mind when you’re dealing with tricky people problems? Let me and all the other thoughtful leaders know in the comments!
When respect leads the way, even the hardest people can become partners in progress.