Ever found yourself doubting your leadership because someone else seems more confident, more experienced or more ‘together’ than you?
That’s the comparison trap, and it’s one of the biggest confidence-killers for thoughtful leaders.
It’s the situation when you make a habit of comparing yourself to others… and continuously feeling like you’re coming off second best.
I call it the comparison trap because the comparisons are often unreasonable or unfair, and tend to reinforce the negative or unconfident voices in our head.
Over time, this erodes confidence and will start to show up in our behaviour, when we hesitate, overthink or stop pushing ourselves out of our comfort zone.
Why Comparing Yourself Doesn’t Help
It’s natural to want to compare ourselves with others.
We want to see how we stack up in the world. To answer the question: “Are we doing well or not?”
Comparisons can help people find motivation.
Professional athletes, for example, often find motivation in trying to beat other athletes. However, progress in professional sport is usually quite easy to measure.
How many points or goals did you score? How many tackles did you make? How fast did you run? Did you win the game?
These are all measures that are easy to calculate, and there are a billion other statistics that are recorded to track sporting performance.
But here’s the thing: if you’re reading this, you’re probably not an athlete.
You’re probably a thoughtful leader, and your competition lies in the world of work and leadership.
Leadership success or skill is harder to measure.
And I’ve met several leaders who received accolades for their leadership that I would never want to work for.
Because they’re self-serving, manipulative, and don’t really care about anything other than furthering their own interests.
Therefore, even seniority, the number of promotions you get, your salary or how big your team is are poor measures of leadership success.
Why Most Comparisons Are Misleading
Comparisons we make with other leaders can be dangerous, because they’re often not based on fact.
They’re based on our perception of what’s happening around us.
I remember when I first started as a consultant for a large international consulting firm. I was 30 years old and I had some decent experience in smaller companies.
In the first week, I joined a team working on a big healthcare project.
We worked together in a large open project room, where there were lots of discussions and phone calls going on.
I remember hearing one of the consultants talking on the phone with a client. He sounded super slick, and he had a really polished way of speaking.
I also remember thinking:
“Wow, he’s so good at this. I don’t speak to people like that – I’m out of my depth here.”
This comparison had me feeling insecure, daunted and underconfident.
But over time, as I worked with this person for longer, I realised that the polished veneer of his client phone calls wasn’t an accurate representation of his performance.
I heard people talk about mistakes he’d made or issues with documents he wrote, and saw some of them for myself.
That’s not to say that nobody should make mistakes. But it’s worth noting that the comparison I initially had made was flawed and based on limited information.
I was comparing what he was showing on the outside, to how I was feeling inside.
Learn More: Want to Build Empathy? Use the Iceberg Model.
The Comparison Trap Compares Your Inside… to Their Outside
Let’s unpack this concept a little bit.
When we make a comparison, we have access to our whole selves.
This includes our thoughts, feelings, insecurities, fears, beliefs, values and a whole lot of other things.
But on the other side of the comparison, we have limited information.
All we really have to go on is what we are seeing and hearing.
When we compare ourselves to another leader who seems to be doing well, we don’t really know the full picture.
Maybe they are unhappy, scared or insecure, and putting on a brave face. Maybe they’re really happy and confident.
The point is – we don’t really know.
It’s very similar to looking on social media and seeing people talking about their fancy new car. Maybe they took out a huge loan for that car, and they’re stressed about it.
But all you see is the fancy car and the big smile.
Once again – you don’t really know what’s going on.
This is why the comparison trap is often unfair, unbalanced and potentially unreasonable.
Why Thoughtful Leaders Are Vulnerable to the Comparison Trap
Everyone can fall into the comparison trap.
But I do find that thoughtful leaders can be particularly vulnerable if they aren’t careful.
As a thoughtful leader, you’re probably quite introspective, reflective and often think deeply about how you are feeling, and the impact you’re having on others.
And as a result, you probably have a heightened awareness of your own thoughts, feelings, fears and shortcomings.
Someone who isn’t as introspective or self-aware may be missing or ignoring a lot of their own internal information, making the comparison much less damaging.
If a thoughtful leader is low in confidence or has a lot of negative self-talk, the comparison will only serve to reinforce these negative thoughts and feelings, resulting in a potential downward spiral.
This can be due to confirmation bias – where we tend to look for signs that reinforce our beliefs.
If your beliefs about your own capability are negative, the comparison trap will have you focusing on all the signs that reinforce these beliefs.
You’ll look for the signs that the other leader (who you are comparing yourself to) is really successful, capable and confident.
And then, you might start telling yourself…
“See? They really are way better than me. I’m no good.”
This is when the comparison trap can drag you down and start to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What to Do Instead
I guess the simplest advice here is to simply tell you to “stop comparing yourself to other leaders”.
But this doesn’t quite cut it, because that’s easy to say, and not so easy to do.
It’s worth considering that comparisons can actually be useful for us, too… if they spur us into meaningful action.
So here’s what I recommend for thoughtful leaders who want to stop comparing, and build your confidence instead.
1. Remember the inside vs. outside
I mentioned earlier that we compare our inside to other people’s outsides.
So this point is simple. It’s just to remember that this is happening.
To remember that all the niggling doubts or uncertainties that you have access to in your head, are probably being experienced by other people, too.
And to remember that all you can see is what the other person reveals to you, which is often not all there is.
The other person might be awesome – a superstar, the best of the best.
Or they might not be.
The point is, you just don’t know, so the comparison loses its value.
This is especially relevant in leadership, where we often feel like we should have all the answers or be calm under pressure, but only see others’ polished facades.
2. Find the meaningful action
I’m a big fan of what I call useful thinking.
That is – thinking that moves us forward, with a practical, meaningful outcome.
Ruminating or endless worry is not useful thinking.
But thinking that leads to positive action can be very useful.
So if you find yourself stuck in the comparison trap, thinking thoughts like:
“I should speak up more, like that person.” or “I’m not as qualified as that person.”
Ask yourself:
“What action could I take, to make this thinking useful?”
For example, if you are comparing yourself to someone who speaks up confidently in meetings, a useful action might be volunteering to run the next meeting, or raising an important topic during the meeting.
Or if you think you are underqualified in some area, you might sign up for training that could help close the gap.
Or perhaps if you notice you’re always comparing yourself to people who seem more confident, a useful action might be to keep a short daily reflection on what you did well – to balance out your focus.
And if you can’t identify a reasonable action that you are willing to take, then this is a good clue that this is not useful thinking, and doesn’t warrant much further thought!
Often I find that when I work through thoughts in this way, they have much less power and influence over me and soon, they are forgotten.
You can get my Useful Thinking Journal here to help you do the same.
3. Get a second opinion
There is nothing more valuable in a tricky workplace than a trusted colleague – someone you can confide in and enlist to help you with your challenges.
If you have one, ask them what they think about your comparison, and what you should do about it.
Often, they’ll have a more impartial view of the situation, because they aren’t wrapped up in your inner world.
And you might find that getting out of your own head is all that’s required to disarm the comparison trap.
The Comparison Trap Will Undermine Your Confidence
It’s easy to get stuck in the comparison trap, and in many ways I think it’s quite natural.
Humans evolved to survive, and what better way to survive than to work out your shortcomings and fix them?
But comparison which makes you feel bad with no meaningful action is not useful.
So let’s see if we can ditch it.
Have you noticed yourself falling into the comparison trap lately? What helped you climb out… or are you still in it? Leave a comment and let other thoughtful leaders know they’re not alone.
Gratitude Gratitude Gratitude Earth Angel 😇
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